"That would only happen to you, Ashley."

The title of this inaugural post says it all. A friend of mine recently told me this upon hearing one of my many (unfortunate...but humorous) stories. The particular story she was referring to? Well, it involved accidentally copying and pasting a quite...inappropriate...text to a coworker. A coworker who is a mom of 4, perfectly put together and the pinnacle of well-mannered. My life was a lot less complicated before texting. And I text a lot.

This blog will attempt to capture these situations that occur to me on somewhat of a daily basis. Topics that will be covered:

1) Babysitting Shenanigans
2) Office Etiquette and Lack-there-of
3) Observations and frustrations with other specimens of humanity
4) Potty humor (this is MY blog, people. And if you know me, you know I couldn't write a blog without this subject being in here every now and then).
5) Unbelievable and spectacular childhood events
6) Unfortunate dates and the general lack of chivalry of young men these days
7) And last, but not least, nights on the town. Many things happen to me on these nights. Blame it on the alcohol?


This blog intends to fully express myself. Keep in mind that some of the things you read might be disturbing. But the intention of this blog is to be the source of many, many deep belly laughs.
I will now give you a simple preview of a story from each above topic.

1) I have been babysitting two children for five years now. They are now 7 and 10 (boy and girl respectively). In these 5 years, many things have happened as the children grow up and become fascinated with certain (ahem) aspects of maturing. The boy has had quite a fascination with what he likes to call his "batteries" "peanuts" or...even "tacos." He has recently gotten in trouble for kicking other kids in the batteries at school. Batteries, people? Where does this even come from? But who am I to tell him the technical term? Personally, I think a brand of duracell is much more appropriate.

2) What is it with coworkers? It's like they can annoy you more than a family member, more than traffic, more than rain on your wedding day (thank you, Alanis Morrissette). 5 things that are not okay in the office: talking on your cell phone in the bathroom, taking reading material into the bathroom, leaving forever voicemail messages when an email would suffice, eating smelly fried chicken at your desk and bebopping around with a smile on your face on a Monday morning. No, I dont want to talk to you yet.

3) Slow people. That's about all I have to say. If you walk slowly, I don't like you. If you talk slowly, I don't like you. And if you drive slowly...heaven help you. Stop sauntering and get to it. Life's short, peeps, and I'm always in a hurry to get to Chick-fil-a or the bathroom.

4) The other day I had an event to work at the Greenville Zoo. The event was winding down and I was just chillin' with a coworker observing the monkeys. Upon her random observations such as, "Can you believe we came from them," and "I love animals and the zoo," I let a silent but deadly air biscuit float her way (that's an emission of gas, by the way). Upon receipt of the scent, she then commented, "And then the zoo smells come," frowned, and walked swiftly away. My dad always said "Farts are like children, the only ones you can stand are your own." He said that Confucious said that....not so sure it was him but I kinda like to think so. It's a wise saying.

5) Upon reaching the 9th grade, I was probably about the only girl who hadn't gone through puberty. I was teased relentlessly about my flat chest, and eventually I broke down and got some gel inserts my mom encouraged me to put in my bra to make myself feel better. What I was thinking, I have no clue--obviously everyone would know something was up if I mysteriously grew boobs overnight. I'm pretty sure they knew when one fell out in English class. That sucked.

6) My most classic date of the last year: Boy asks me out via text. Typical. Boy asks me to meet me there. Humiliating. Boy says let's go to Monterrey's. I die inside. Boy then proceeds to ask what cheapest beer is (WE'RE AT MONTERREY'S, WTF???) and chews all his food with his mouth open. You would think things couldn't get any worse...until I paid for the meal. This. is. not. okay.

7) I didn't start drinking until I was of legal age. This has caused me to act like a high schooler for most of college and the few years after when I do go out. This includes but is not limited to: drinking smirnoff ices at 21, riding a bike up McDaniel at 4 am after one spectacular night out, eating a Big Mac at 3 am (that's happened several times), taking a 7 hour shower. Specific stories to come.

I think that about sums it up for my blog's official introduction. Let me know your thoughts! Until Monday...