Kids have no filter.

This little anecdote will be a combination of both a childhood story of my own and a babysitting tale or two. I'm an adult now, but every now and then I find that I stick my foot in my mouth. Or sometimes I say something inappropriate in a formal setting. Or sometimes I just have diarrhea of the mouth. As Forrest Gump once wisely said, "sh*t happens."

Little Thomas that I babysit has said several things that have caused much trauma in my life. Re-evaluation of diets, consideration of a two day cleanse, etc. Let's just go through these quotes of Thomas' in chronological order.

1) In about 2007, when I weighed maybe 15 pounds less than now, I was sitting on the couch watching Disney with the kids (FML) when Thomas pointed at my stomach and blurted out, "Do you have a baby in there?!?" Shocked, I said in what I hoped was a calm voice, "No Thomas...why would you ask that?" He promptly retorted, "'Cause your belly is so fat." OMG. No words to express my horror. I mean, I knew I was developing a bagel bite down there but a full sized bagel with cream cheese? Heaven help me. I ran to the bathroom and considered liposuction for a nanosecond and then went back to eating chocolate chips with the kids.

2) On my trip to Cabo in the summer of 2008, Thomas again surprised me, but at least this time it wasn't talking about my potential pregnancy. I love these kids and their parents, no lie--I mean they took me to Cabo we're so close. But let me tell you how close I'm NOT going to get to these kids. Every morning I woke up to a beautiful sunshine-y day--at about 6:30 am because that's when children rise. How are people parents, seriously? Anyways, one morning at about 6 I hear Thomas yelling. I couldn't quite make out the words...I wanted to put the pillow over my ears and go back to sleep..but he was saying something about his bottom, so naturally I was curious. The yells got louder and louder until finally I figured out that he was indeed screaming: "CAN SOMEBODY WIPE MY BOTTOM?????" At that point, I decided yes, I would put my pillow over my ears and at least pretend to be asleep because there is no way in hell I was wiping a 4 year old's butt at 6 in the morning, Cabo trip or not. Not on my agenda of things I want to do in this life (I guess my husband's screwed if I ever get married and/or have children).

3) I was babysitting last week when the typical Thomas refused to get out of the bathtub. It was nearing bedtime and I was getting frustrated, so I started chanting to him: "You are slow as a turtle you are slow as a turtle yeah yeah yeah yeah." He didn't even miss a beat, people, before responding "You have a big fat bootie, you have a big fat bootie!" He then stopped, pondered for a second and said matter of factly, "It's actually TRUE." Ouch. I mean, yes my little sister calls me Ghetto Bootie but I dont need to be reminded that I have quite the cushion down there by a 7 year old. This kid is going to cause me to become a vegan or something.

4) Finally, I must admit that I do not judge little Thomas, for I was a hellian myself at his age. My dad (affectionately known as B.D.F.--Big Daddy Foster) loves to tell this story. My mom, also known as Marlea Foster, is one of the most prim and proper Southern belles that walks the earth. She made us go to manner school, made me wear make up at like, age 8, and even cuts her bagels with a knife and fork. So, you can imagine her surprise and horror when she took me to the grocery store and someone on the same aisle let one fly. Ripped one. An audible one. At age 4, I had no filter, you see. So I thought it would be a good idea to wildly look around and start yelling, "Who's pooting????" "Who's pooting????" My mom whipped that grocery cart to the next aisle as fast as she could. Unfortuntely for her, the fart phantom decided to join the same aisle and LET ANOTHER FART FLY. Well, this just wasn't going to "fly" with me. I then yelled, "WHO'S DOING ALL THAT POOTING?"

At that point, my mother gave up and fled the store.

Until tomorrow,

Your Faithful Fart Finder